IN DEFENSE OF THE MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE

Hey guys. I know I promised a review of The Squeakquel this Thursday, but because the film is so astronomically dull,  this one is taking a little longer than usual. However, in order to keep my promise of having a new thing up every Thursday, here's a little something I've been saving for a rainy day. The Squeakquel review will be out on Monday or before. Cheers!

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Alright, to begin with the title is a little misnomer. The Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) does not need defending, least of all from me. It’s a highly popular, highly successful mega-franchise that has basically consumed the pop-culture landscape and inspired countless imitators. Also, even though I consider the MCU Studio set up to be the most fan-base friendly studio I’ve seen in a long time, I am under no delusion that they are my “friend”. They exist to make money, first and foremost, just like every other movie studio that has ever existed.

However, I am most certainly a fan of the MCU and I believe that the studio has produced some legitimately great works such as the Captain America films, Guardians of the Galaxy, Ant-Man, Thor (Thor is a great film and I will hear NO argument to the contrary) Iron Man 3, Agent Carter, the Netflix shows and of course, The Avengers. Even the MCU properties that aren’t so great (Iron Man 1 & 2, The Incredible Hulk, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Thor: The Dark World and most of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D) are still enjoyable and deliver what I believe to be the pinnacle of superhero action. The studio has yet to produce any singularly bad piece of material so far but that doesn’t mean that they’re flawless. They have a problem with representations of women and minorities (WHERE IS MY CAPTAIN MARVEL CASTING ANNOUCEMENT!?), the films have banal cinematography and there have been some cases of them screwing over the directors of their films. But aside from those and other legitimate complaints, there have also been some perceived flaws with the MCU that some have pointed out that I just have to scratch my head at. Of course, there is nothing wrong with not liking these movies, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I feel a need to justify or debate some of the complaints I keep seeing get brought up.
So, without further ado:

Grumble 1: Each MCU film is the same!
I’ll address the most frequent complaint first up. One of the biggest detractions against the Marvel films is that they’re way too formulaic and predictable. I will not deny that each Marvel film generally follows a similar structure (meet a good guy, meet some various hangers on and love interest, meet a bad guy, lots of jokes and gags built around character interactions, big showy CGI filled fight scenes etc.) but that is not the part I take umbrage with. Complaining about structure in a Marvel film is akin to complaining about the lack of sex and nudity in a Pixar film; that’s not what we are here for! We watch MCU films because of the hero, the jokes and the action.
Furthermore, every franchise follows a structure. You can practically set your watch to the beats of a James Bond film or a Star Wars film, every single movie franchise in existence follows similar beats. Most horror franchises like Friday the 13^th or Nightmare on Elm Street have instalments that are practically identical to each other in terms of plotting and structure, but they’re allowed to get away with that, because the focus of those films is the gory kills and creative ways that people get offed. If a Friday the 13th film came out that was loaded with board meetings and in depth discussions about the very nature of human existence, it would raked across the coals and then crucified by legions of Friday fans. That’s not to say that franchises should never expand or look to tell new stories, however, there are some elements that need to remain a permanent fixture. If this fact is something that bothers you, that’s fine but complaining about the similarities between the Marvel films whilst ignoring the stuff they excel at (great characters and character interactions, exciting action, witty and breezy scripts and colourful imaginative settings and creature designs) feels just a bit like missing the forest for the trees. Or in this case, missing the forest for the Yggdrasil.

(Also, quick side note: For those who say that these movies are bland and all “feel” the same, I have to say that’s simply not true. I defy you to find you a film that’s more Shane Black-y than Iron Man Three, or tell me to my face the Guardians of the Galaxy is definitely not a child of James Gunn’s wacky mind or that Thor is not the product of Kenneth Branagh’s brain!)

Grumble 2: They’re just advertisements!
The second most frequent meta-complaint (that is, a word I’ve used to describe complaints that aren’t directed to the text itself, but rather to the nature of the text) I’ve found is the decrement of the MCU as nothing but advertisements for their own product. As in, each film only exists to serve as an ad for an upcoming film.
This is a complaint that I too, have thought about sometimes but I think in the end comes down to satisfaction. How satisfied are you when a movie ends? Do you feel like you saw the whole film and are you happy with what you saw? A good film will be endlessly satisfying, something you can watch over and over again, with each viewing feeling satisfactory. Some films are like cupcakes, devoured but then never thought of again. A bad film is not satisfactory in the least. Sometimes it’s because of poor writing, or a myriad of problems that led to an unsatisfactory viewing experience. One of the biggest ways that movies can be unsatisfying is by being nothing but a 2 hour long ad. Whether it’s a desperate bid to sell Batman toys with Batman & Robin, or a blatant attempt to set up future movies like Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, audiences don’t like to feel like they’ve been had.
Now, something to keep in mind is that every film is made with money in mind. When a producer backs a project, the number one thing they have in their mind is “How can make money off of this?” Some films are more artistically driven than others, but unless a film is a completely independent project, money is going to factor in to it. The trick, however, is to be satisfying enough and good enough that audiences don’t mind. People don’t care that The Dark Knight Trilogy helped sell a lot of Batman toys because those films are really good and tell complete stories and all that, people don’t mind that each Lord of the Rings film ends with a cliff hanger because each film is so good that they want to come back for more. It can even get to the point where something like The LEGO Movie can become critically acclaimed despite the fact that the thing it’s advertising is in its own title because it was just so damn good and satisfying to watch.
The point I’m trying to get at here is, yes, the MCU films are most certainly advertisements. But because they’re (usually) so well made and fun to watch, with characters people like to watch, it doesn’t really matter that they have the occasional “hey we’re making THIS movie as well!” kind of reference thrown in. Now, having too many references can be a bad thing as Iron Man 2 and Avengers: Age of Ultron learned, but even those films still managed to have stories that began and ended in a contained way.And speaking of Ultron…

Grumble 3: The villains are weak!
When it comes to complaints inside the MCU itself, this one is probably the most frequent.  Yes, even I have levelled this complaint at the franchise myself, but for the record, I do think it is over exaggerated. From the way some people carry on, you’d think that in the MCU each and every villain is nothing more but a cardboard cut-out with the word “BOO!” written on it, and while there are certainly more than a few villain who’d fall into the category (looking at Malekith from Thor: The Dark World) I do think the MCU has more good villains than people say. In the movies alone we have one-note but entertaining villains like Red Skull from Captain America: The First Avenger and Ronan from Guardians of the Galaxy but there are some more complicated and interesting villains in the film like Loki from the Thor movies, the endlessly watchable Ultron from Avengers: Age of Ultron and Zemo, from Captain America: Civil War. And nothing really needs to be said of the greatness of the Netflix series when it comes to their villains.
In the end, however, the quality of a villain is up to your interpretation. What’s not up to interpretation however, is focus. I think it’s a testament to the MCU’s commitment to long form story telling that they always put the focus on the hero, and make them the interesting and likable one. There are a lot of stories out there that put the hero on the side-line whilst the more interesting and watchable villain dances around and chews up screen time (Burton, Schumacher and Nolan are all guilty of this in their films). So while the villains of the MCU regularly disappoint, I feel it is in service of the important features. Like, removing a swollen appendix so your whole body doesn't spontaneously combust.

Grumble 4: The music sucks!
Okay this one is just a personal one, but I think it needs addressing. This is a complaint I see get brought up in almost every single “negative” criticism of the MCU. Now taste is subjective, I won’t deny that, but lambasting an entire franchise just because the music is sub-par strikes me as being a bit of a nit-pick. True, I can’t recall the music of Thor or Captain America: The Winter Soldier off by heart but that doesn’t make the music bad. Not everyone can be a John Williams or a Michael Giacchino. Also, I DARE anyone to listen to the Ant-Man theme and not be humming it for days afterwards:

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So there we go. The Squeakquel will be up on Monday or sooner!

Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007) - Movie Review

Alvin and The Chipmunks (AaTC) is a film that makes me want to violently bleed from every orifice in my body. Oh, I'm sorry, did I give my opinion away too soon? Well too bad because this film is awful. It's horrendously awful. The type of awful that defies conventional English and forces me to invent gibberish words in order to properly express its horribleness. It's timbaflarglingly terrible, wolstoppiberflingly bad, it makes my kinflipple want to unduct itself and mostilatedreat a pig. 

But...before we can examine this anal blockage of a film, first we need to look at what kind of food it was beforehand. AaTC were an invention of Ross Bagdasarian (no that's not more gibberish, that's his actual last name) a singer/songwriter who went by the stage name David Seville presumably because even a slight mispronunciation of his real last name would summon the Old Ones. Although he had had a few successes in his early career, he didn't really hit it big until 1958 with the release of Witch Doctor. Y'know this legitimately charming ear-worm: 

The big innovation with that song was the sped up voices. They were nothing new in of themselves but the fact they were audible was nothing short of a miracle given the time and technology. The voices were given identities in his next song aptly, the aptly named Chipmunk Song:

And from there the Chipmunks spun off into toys and cartoons and toys and merchandise and cartoons and toys and animated movies and toys and merchandise and merchandise and merchandise and became what the business types call "Bankable Nostalgia". And lo, the AaTC franchise was given its own big-budget, CGI, human centered, totally radical movie in 2007, which is the subject of today's autopsy. This shallow, manipulative style of film making has birthed such beloved classics as:

I was going to use another phrase aside from "beloved classic", but I can't, because I want to keep this blog PG.

All of those movies are bad in their own way, but today's movie is the king of crap mountain. I hate Alvin and The Chipmunks with the fury of a thousand burning suns, and today I'm going to show you why. Prepare your rodent stomping boots and earmuffs as we descend into the pile of rat droppings that is Alvin and The Chipmunks 2007.

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We begin in a tree farm in the wilderness where Alvin (Justin Long), Simon (Matthew Gray Gubler) and Theodore (Jesse McCartney) are stocking nuts for the winter whilst singing (in their altered, high pitched voices) Bad Day.

I have several questions.

Not 2 minutes in and we've already run smack dab into my biggest problem with this film, the Chipmunks themselves. Now the whole "pitch shifted voice" thing is okay to listen to for maybe a two minute long song or a twenty minute cartoon but for an hour and a half long movie?
Well, you know that bit from Jaws where Quint gets everyone's attention by dragging his fingernails across a chalkboard?

And do you also remember that part where Jaws is a legitimately GOOD movie and dear god what am I doing I could be watching Jaws instead of this!

It's like that except constantly and it's excruciating to listen to! It's hard to describe in words, but the Chipmunks voices are one of the many reasons why I find this movie to be worse than the Black Plague if it joined ISIS. It doesn't help that the CGI on the Chipmunks is absolutely terrible but we'll get back to that later.
Also, how the hell do the Chipmunks know what Bad Day is? Hell, how do they know how to sing? Are there constant raves going in this back ass part of the woods!? Do these Chipmunks have a radio player!? I know this movie is meant for stupid baby children but come on, you've got to make at least a little bit of sense!
Moving on...

The Chipmunks lose all their nuts and bicker for a few ear-bleeding seconds when their tree is cut down and placed in the back of truck, taking them to the city. Uh, hey movie makers, you do realize that loggers check trees for small animals before they cut them down right? 'Cause people usually don't want to get a tree that's stuffed with animal carcasses and feces yeah!?

Oh what am I complaining about? In the time it takes to get to the city, the Chipmunks will have all died and I can stop watching this movie!

From there we go to our main human character, Dave, played by Jason Lee.

Seen here giving his most energetic performance in the entire film.

Now, I like Jason Lee. I think the dude has mad talent and I've really enjoyed his performances in Mallrats, Dogma and The Incredibles and such, but it is so obvious that he does not give a crap in this film. To be fair, this film is written like the writer had a chronic fear of his own laptop, but it is more than obvious by his vacant stare and monotone delivery that at any one moment he's milliseconds away from running to his paycheck and then dashing off into the horizon.

In any case, he wakes up and realizes that he's late for work. Rushing outside he runs to his perfunctory, totally pointless love interest named who-cares (Claire) played by who-gives-a-crap (Cameron Richardson).

I'm totally necessary to this film!

Yeah, she is to this film what Wonder Woman is to Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, in that you could cut her out of the film completely and nothing would change.
They engage in some brief conversation where we learn that Dave used to be a creepy stalker (oh, how charming) and then they make reservations for dinner (because of course). Dave gets to his crap truck and then makes his way to work. And it's here that we learn the true author of my pain!

YOU WILL PAY HILL! YOU WILL PAY DEARLY!

In any case, we see inside that they're setting up a Christmas tree and that the Chipmunks have (somehow) survived the trip and were (somehow) not seen when setting it up and (somehow) remain unseen even as the tree is being decorated and they're standing right in the open!

I DEMAND this film about talking Chipmunks conform to MY view of logic!

Also, Theodore asks where the mountains have gone, until Simon clarifies that they are in a building ('cause he's the smart one you see). Keep this little detail in mind, because I'm going to bring it up later.
It's here we meet our main villain Ian Hawke, the head of Jett Records, the company the Dave gives his music to and whom is played by...

Oooooohhhh nnnooooo....

David Cross!? David, what the hell are you doing here man!? Did you really need the money this bad!? It's not even that it's a kids film, you were in the Kung Fu Panda movies and those are really good, but you had to be in this? REALLY!?

If Jason Lee cares about his performance about as much as someone who doesn't care about stuff, then David Cross cares about as much as a I did when I made that analogy. Though to be fair, he is the one who delivers the only funny lines of the movie.

He takes Dave up to his office where he gets offered a muffin basket, anomelet station and some water by three separate women. Hey it's more flirtation than I get in a day.

They listen to Dave's music (sung by someone who is very clearly not Jason Lee) at which point Ian tells him in no uncertain terms (whilst name dropping Justin Beiber and Fergi, because we gotta be hip with 'dem kiddies boy!) that his music sucks, he sucks for making it and that he should stop making music all together and just quit on life.

Also your parents never loved you, everyone you've ever known is just a TV actor payed to pretend to like you, your dog is dead, your house is being repossessed and we're all just insects floating on an insignificant blue ball through the vast depths of space. Have a nice day now!

Okay he's a little more subtle than that but that's the basic of it. Dave walks out as Sad Music^TM plays and apparently all the women are psychically linked as they start acting like jerks to Dave at the same time. Dave is about to head down in the elevator, but before the doors close he nabs the muffins (an action he is never reprimanded for).

He enters the lobby just as the Chipmunks make a break for it across the floor. The white floor, with their brown bodies. Look, I realize that no one in films ever has any peripheral vision but COME ON!

Dude, you're a delivery guy, YOU NEED TO LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING! YOU SHOULD BE ABE TO SEE THE THREE HELL SQUIRRELS!

They stow away in Dave's muffin basket and Dave heads home.

When he gets home, Dave chucks the muffins in the trash, unknowingly putting the Chipmunks exactly where they belong.
He then sets about destroying and throwing out all of his music equipment with all the passion and vigor of Tommy Wiseau on sedatives. 

"Yuur taaring me aparht musac industree!"

He lays down on the couch dejected, meanwhile the Chipmunks break out and engage in SHENANIGANS! and product placement.

"Merchandising! That's where the real money is made!"

In any case they cause enough of a mess to draw Dave's attention, at which point they hide by ripping off Toy Story.

Hey, movie! Stop reminding of better movies I could be watching instead of your lame ass!

And they engage in some more shenanigans, including the most hated of bad children's films cliches, the egregious fart joke.

Ha ha, the chipmunk farted on the dude's face. LAUGH!

Look, I don't have an intrinsic hatred of fart jokes that most people seem to have, and I do believe that done well they can be funny. However, much like jump scares in a horror film, used too often or too egregiously can make your movie end up seeming cheap. And this movie is very cheap.

They drop a glass jar on Dave's head, knocking him unconscious.

I could be watching Spongebob Squarepants instead of this. Yeah sure that later seasons SUCK but at least it had a point where it was good!

Anyway, Dave wakes up and sees AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

GOD THEY'RE AS BAD AS THE MERMAIDS FROM PAN! And this is my second biggest problem with the Chipmunks, they just look really off! They're not cartoon-y enough to be cartoons but they don't look good enough to look like they're really there, so we get this weird middle ground where they're just unsettling and unnatural. I don't like looking at them. Say what you will about the mermaids from Pan, at least they didn't have voices like Cerberus got his balls cut off.

"So, does this mean you like us now?"

NO, YOU'RE STILL FREAKY AS HELL TOO! SHOVE OFF BEFORE YOU GIVE ALL THE LITTLE ONES NIGHTMARES!

Anyway, Dave understandably gets freaked out by the little...freaks and he asks if all animals can talk to which Simon replies that fish have a kind of sign language (HOW? THEY DON'T HAVE ANY HANDS!) They establish their basic personalities to Dave, Simon is a "genius", Theodore is unbearably twee and marketable and Alvin is an unlikable little brat.
Dave questions how they know him by name to which they reply by saying that they read his mail. Simon tells him "you really outta pay the utility bill Dave, ever heard of a credit rating?"

How...

How!

HOW!

No, no I'm not going to explode at that. If I explode at everything in this goddamn movie, I'm going to be here all day.

So Dave tells HOW HAVE YOU HEARD OF A CREDIT RATING!? YOU'RE CHIPMUNKS!! YOU'VE LIVED IN A TREE FOR YOUR ENTIRE LIVES! HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SING!? WAS THERE A [BLEEP]ING LUMBERJACK JUST WALTZING AROUND SINGING SONGS AND GIVING OUT FINANCIAL ADVICE!? DOES THE FOREST GET GOOD RECEPTION!? HOW DID YOU KNOW WHAT A BUILDING WAS!? WHO WROTE THIS GARBAGE!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I...I'm okay now. I think I'll be alright now. Let's just...get on with it.

Dave calls the Chipmunks "creepy, unnatural and somewhat evil" (Okay, Dave is officially alright in my books) and chucks the Chipmunks out into the rain.

However, the Chipmunks start singing, getting Dave's attention. After they sing a rendition of Funkytown that makes me want to set fire to every small mammal and piece of musical equipment I can see, the Chipmunks and Dave cut a deal. The Chipmunks sing for Dave, they get to live in his house. 

After rescuing his music equipment from the rain, Dave questions the Chipmunk's child-like behavior, to which Simon responds that they are indeed kids. When Dave asks where their parents are, Alvin responds they were hippies and left to join a commune.

Chipmunk hippies. Chipmunk...hippies.

We're only 20 minutes into this film folks, pray for me. 

He sends them to bed, but in the night, he get inspired by the Chipmunk's rhythmic snoring.

Awakening the next morning to the sounds of Spongebob...

Ahh yes, that joke from earlier came back later. That's what makes me a professional online blogger. *Snobby laugh*!

...Dave finds the Chipmunks making toaster waffles. They go off but Simon misses one, despite it landing right in front of him. Dave gives Simon a pair of glasses from a nearby Santa display (that work like actual glasses, somehow), meaning Simon now actually looks like Simon.

"Y'see, all three classic Chipmunks fans who are still watching this Eyeball Grater of a film, we care!"

To be fair though, this does lead to a legitimately charming bit where the Chipmunks and Dave sing the Classic Chipmunks Christmas song. I mean, it's still being sung with the Chipmunk voice, but it's better than nothing. And at least they didn't do anything stupid, like, I dunno, adding dubstep or putting it to a cliche rock music video. I mean, they wouldn't be stupid enough to do that right? ...R-right?
Well, in any case, it's a legitimately nice moment. Which then actually leads to a legitimately funny scene, as Dave tries to show off the Chipmunk's skills, but they get stage fright and can't sing. It's the one scene that did actually get a chuckle out of me. Ian obviously questions Dave's sanity, and tells him that it's quite strange for a grown man to bring another grown man a box of supposedly singing, dancing Chipmunks.

Especially ones that have obvious, emotion filled faces.

So there we go, a charming scene followed by a funny scene. Can the movie keep this high up?

Of course not.

After scolding the Chipmunks for embarrassing him at his career and making him late for work, Dave heads to his advertising business (why is it in bad kid films the main generic white dude is always an ad exec? Smurfs, Garfield is there a trend here?) to present the charts above. It's a scene that's utterly pointless and could easily be cut out and is a symptom of this film's second big problem, it's PADDED! It's padded like the walls of a solitary confinement cell! There are so many scenes that could be removed and absolutely NOTHING would change, and this is one of those scenes. It's horrendously unfunny, none of these characters (including Dave's boss played by Jane Lynch, another actor too good for this movie) ever appear again and did I mention it WAS REALLY NOT FUNNY!?

After getting fired Dave heads home and if I were him, this would be the part where I put on my big boots and go STOMP STOMP STOMP, but he has more patience than I do. He comes home to a messy house and demands to know what happened. Theodore responds that they coloured and didn't know that the thing they coloured was important. Dave is obviously angry, but his anger causes Theodore to drop a pellet, which Simon then eats to cover up for him.

Yes, Simon, of Alvin and the Chipmunks, literally just ate sh*t in...a...movie...meant...for...children.

Excuse me for a second.

He yells at them some more and then discovers that disposable love interest from earlier is coming to dinner. So skipping ahead a bit because I want to be out of this damn film as soon as possible: the lady friends comes over, she and Dave engage in a "romantic" scene that is unbearable to watch because they both have as much chemistry as a purple carrot, Alvin plays porno music (IS THIS MOVIE FOR CHILDREN OR WHAT!) and the night ends poorly.

Dave goes over to his bed and thinks about putting the Chipmunks in a box, putting that box in another box and mailing that box to himself and then smashing it with a hammer once it arrives, but ultimately decides against it.

In order to make up for it, the Chipmunks head out to Ian's place to sing for him. For whatever reason he doesn't take a blowtorch to them and instead decides to sign them on.

The next day Dave and the Chipmunks go grocery shopping, when a little girl tries to kill Dave by throwing a tuna can at his head.

"Just let me kill you now Lee, I'll save you from the doing the rest of these!"

Dave is about to scold the Chipmunks when he hears their song come on over the store speaker (that was quick! The Chipmunks went to Ian just last night, and yeah, business travels fast, but it takes a while for a song to go into syndication!). Right at that moment he gets a call from Ian, who says that they're both going to be rich. 

From here we cut to a montage of the Chipmunks getting famous set to a bastardized rock cover version of The Chipmunk filled with dubstep (OH! HOW WONDERFUL!) that makes me to bombard Hollywood with tactical Nuke strikes until it's nothing but a radioactive wasteland, not that it would change it all that much!

Also, how the hell are there not scientists from every fold of the globe not clawing eyes out for a chance to study the Chipmunk's? THEY'RE TALKING CHIPMUNKS! Surely they would redefine everything we know animal biology, and would restructure the way we treat the animal kingdom!? I can only assume that this must be like an "Aliens in New York from the Avengers" style event that changes everything we know! There would have to be people out there building churches to Chipmunks, calling them a sign of the apocalypse! Fire raining from the heavens, continents turning to ash, dogs and cats living together, MASS HYSTERIA!

But no, I'm sure turning them into pop stars is equally as important! ARRRGH!

The next scene is one so contrived and forcefully twee that it makes me want to projectile vomit. Theodore gets a nightmare and tries to to get into bed with Dave and it's meant to be all nice and sentimental but it's SO overdone and forced that it comes across feeling cynical. 

Also, never let your "pets" sleep on your face. That can only ever end in misery, pain and cat hair in your mouth.

Skipping over another painfully sentimental scene that makes me want to murder whoever came up with the word "Whimsy", Dave gives the Chipmunk's presents then Ian busts in and gives the Chipmunks bigger presents and tells Dave that he's got a week to right a new hit single. So, you know, no pressure.

Cut to what is presumably a week later and we see that are a lot of people who are apparently desperate to watch some freaky rodent people sing.

But not a single one of them is a scientist AND NO I'M NOT LETTING THAT GO!

The Chipmunks bust out out on to the stage and sing a version of their classic song Witch Doctor that makes me want to take a machete to every executive that lives in L.A. 

"You rang?"

It's just so obvious that this song was mangled by executive's in order to make it "hip" and "cool". The original song is timeless, it's not a masterpiece by any means, but it's better than the bleep bloop committee designed garbage being forced down our ears like a frog in a toilet.

I mean it has everything a cheap song mangling always has, a DJ opening it up...

"Yo Yo, your boy Chip Munk, in da house!"

...sexy back up dancers...

...and of course an obnoxious rap beat underneath it.

 Alvin spews out in the middle of the song "Yo' DJ pump this party" and all of this nonsense that tries to make the Chipmunks hip and cool can't disguise the fact the fact that this film IS ABOUT TALKING CHIPMUNKS! If I may be allowed to step on my soap box for a second and say that, I'm sorry, but trying to portray the Chipmunks like they're a Drake or a Justin Bieber style sensation not  only doesn't work, it dates your movie worse than cheese left out in the sun! This movie is only 9 years old yet it feels more dated and out of touch than say, the original Superman or Toy Story, both of which are older than this film, but still hold up because they didn't try to ground themselves in their time periods and therefore remain timeless. People still talk about Christopher Reeves as Superman, people without kids still go out to see whatever Pixar films, who still cares about the Chipmunk films beyond a distraction!? Just because you're making a film for children doesn't mean you shouldn't try!

Aside from me right now, obviously.

Whatever, moving on. After their what I would tenuously call singing, the Chipmunks and Dave have an autograph signing where Claire comes up and tries to get an autograph. After some embarrassingly written back and forth, Alvin calls her hot.

NEXT SCENE!

The after-party starts and in the background I can hear the lyrics "Ain't no party like a Chipmunk party 'cause a Chipmunk party don't stop" which is officially the worst thing I've ever heard.

Ian comes up to Dave and shoves this horrifying thing in his face

Still not as creepy as the actual Chipmunks in this film.

They converse for a bit, with Ian saying that he basically saying that he wants to exploit the Chipmunks for money whilst Dave wants them to be more like normal kids.
Because, y'know, if the one thing the Chipmunks brand has always been against, it's merchandising.

Huh, Road Chip? What is that like a spin-off or something? 'Cause there are only three films yeah?

The Chipmunks are engorging themselves on chocolates and sweets (YES! GET DIABETES AND DIE SO I CAN STOP WATCHING THIS FILM!) when Ian comes over and tells the Chipmunks that Dave doesn't actually like them and blah blah blah.

Cut to the next day, Alvin is playing a game and acting like a typical gamer.

"Next I'll go online and send death threats to every women in the games industry!"

So after another [BLEEP]ing scene in this [BLEEP]ing movie, Dave comes over and we partake in more [BLEEP]ing padding as the [BLEEP]ing Chipmunks don't trust Dave for whatever the [BLEEP] reason, and there's a masseuse there for no [BLEEP]ing reason and they argue, find the note that Dave wrote and threw away earlier and decide to go live with Ian because why the [BLEEP] not!

And so what follows is, AND I [BLEEP] YOU NOT, is TWENTY SOLID MINUTES OF PADDING!

Seriously, they dick around in Ian's mansion, making stupid, pointless Matrix references...

"Because the Matrix is still cool right!? PLEASE TELL US WE'RE COOL!"

...they mope about the fact that they miss Dave, and otherwise just fill time! During a dance recital Dave calls up and asks how they're going, Ian responds that they're good and going to go on a world tour. Dave doesn't like this because other countries are SCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARY!
So Ian overworks them to the point that for their final American concert they need to pull a Milli Vanilli and lip sync, so let's just skip to that shall we!

The concert starts and Ian watches on with some only very slightly racist Japanese Business Stereotypes.

Y'know, because this movie wasn't unpleasant enough!

Dave sees that the Chipmunks are performing and goes to save them.
When he gets there he almost gets stopped by security but Claire is able to get him in, fulfilling her only real impact on the film. Dave busts into the arena and sees the Chipmunks on the stage and yells out to them over the music...somehow.
The Chipmunks strip on stage (that sounds way worse than it actually is) engage in more [BLEEP]ing shenanigans (including a Die Hard reference, because of course they do) before they get caught in a cat carrier. Which, to be fair, does lead to the only other funny exchange in the movie:

DAVE:   ...they just ruined the concert! Word will get out, no one will come to see them!

IAN:   (Mockingly) They're talking Chipmunks Dave, (softly) people will come.

So the Chipmunks get carried off as they try to escape and Dave gets back to his car. Does this mean we get a cool, exciting car chase?

Of course not! The stupid bastards couldn't even give us an exciting climax! [BLEEP]!

Wait, what am I complaining about? The movie's almost over! Okay, so, Dave and the Chipmunks reconcile in a mawkish way, they go home, Ian is ruined financially (Where the Chipmunks the only thing his company produced?) there are a few more shenanigans and THEN THE MOVIE ENDS

DA END!

No wait, it wants to torture me a bit more. The final thing we leave on is David Cross crying in front of three squirrels. 

And if that isn't a metaphor for this movie, then I don't know what is.

The credits start by saying that this film was dedicated to Ross Bagdasarian Senior, and I would say that this film is making him spin in his grave, but at this point he's probably spinning so fast you could retrofit him as an industrial strength drill because THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!!!!

-

If you couldn't tell by now I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HATE this movie! The Chipmunks are as ugly as sin and sound just as bad, the humans are all poorly acted, it's too juvenile and cliche for adults but too raunchy for little kids, it's obnoxious, it's cynical and cheap. It's just a bad, bad, bad, BAD movie! I want to saw all of these movies limbs off and watch it flop to death, I want to rub salt in this movie's eyes and throw it to the crocodiles! I want to cover this movie in gasoline and set it alight, just to watch it burn. Don't show it to your kids, don't show it to your dogs, don't even show it to the floor, because chances are you floor will some how gain conscious out of this movie's badness, wake up and EAT YOU for showing it such a monstrosity. There are so many good films meant for kids out there, movies that will respect them, and treat them as of they have intelligence beyond that of a lobotomized rock! Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007) gets The Stubbed Toe “Award” for Certified Cinematic RAGE INDUCEMENT!

I guess the joke's on me though, because this film made money. Hoo boy did it make money, from a measly $60 million dollar budget it grossed over $300 million, so that means Hollywood had leeway to do what Hollywood does and that is sequels! Yes, this movie had sequels that I am sure are terrible but THAT I AM NOT GOING TO REVIEW! I refuse! There are just some things in life that you need to pass on. I'm not going to do it! Doing two of these in a row would kill me! Let alone the idea of doing them all in three subsequent weeks, that would be suicide! It would be like cracking open a book of Lovecraftian lore, it's guaranteed to drive a mortal man insane! So, no, I'm sorry, but I'm putting my foot down and WILL NOT review the sequels! Alright? Alright.
So what's next week!?

Next Review: Some time before the heat death of the universe.

Son of a [BLEEP]!

Predator 2 (1990) - Movie Review

You ever have that film that you love but everyone else seems to despise? Maybe it's a film you grew up with, maybe it's one you have a personal connection with, maybe it's one that you think you see something in that others just don't. Whatever the reason, you just seems to like the film more than other people. I think we all have films like that.

It's okay baby, I'll still love you.

But then you go a step higher than that and you land on the film that get hates for no apparent reason. With stuff John Carter I can at least see why people don't like it, but today's film is one that, although it has flaws, does not deserve the level of visceral hatred I've seen get poured on it. Seriously, barely anyone seems to like this film. To give perspective, this film currently sits at a 25% on Rotten Tomatoes which is lower than Pan! PAN! PREDATOR 2 IS LOWER THAN PAN!

Lower by two points, but still!

If this is the hill I am to die on, then so be it. I'm here today to have a look at Predator 2 with my traditional mix of snark and insight and prove to all three of my readers why I believe Predator 2 to be a better film than most people say.

But first, a little backstory.

This film is, as if you couldn't tell, a sequel to 1987's Predator, a film where Arnold Schwarzenegger punches an alien to death in the jungle. 

Yeah, it was pretty awesome.

It wasn't the hugest hit with the critics but it made money and was generally liked by audiences so of course it got a sequel. I really like the original Predator, it's one of my favorite action movies, but we're not here to talk about that today.

Get ready to traverse the skylines of Los Angeles and make that weird clicking noise in the back of your throat as we look at Predator 2.

-

We open to a very 90's Fox logo

Mmmm, smells like Yo Yogi, Generation X angst and Bill Clinton sex scandals.

After panning over some jungle meant to fake you out into thinking that this Predator movie is going to be like the last one, we pan up to see a smoggy Los Angeles skyline in the far off, futuristic year of...1997!

The same year as the OJ Simpson trials! God help us all!

So after the titles explode at us we're taken directly to another explosion, namely, the explosion of gang violence in Los Angeles. Yes, it seems that in this strange, alternate, alien, version of the City of Angels (remember, this movie came out in 1990), gang violence runs rampant through the street, the Mayor is corrupt and the News is too afraid to do its job.
So y'know, not that much different from now, really.
Anyway, we partake in a thrilling action sequence as cops trade gun fire with stereotypical Colombian gangsters.

We are Speedy Gangzales, the fastest shooting men in all of Mejico Colombia!

In any case, its made clear that the streets of Los Angeles need a level of law above the ordinary police officer. Someone who will stand fast against the rising of crime. A cop who will be robotic in his dispense of justice, who will protect the innocent, serve the public trust and uphold the law. Someone like Robocop!

I kid, but I would be lying if I said I didn't think this film cribbed just a little from Robocop.

Pfft, yeah, just let me know where I can buy my 6000 SUX.

In any case this particular news bulletin is disrupted when our main character nearly runs over the anchor, Tony Pope (Morton Downey Junior, a man surprisingly unrelated to Robert Downey Junior). It's here we meet our no-nonsense, loose canon, totally never been done before main character Detective Mike Harrigan played by Danny Glover.

No, I said DANNY Glover

Much better.

I'm not racist I swear.
Glover makes for a fine leading man despite the grandpa pants he's wearing in every scene, though I can't help but prefer the hamminess of AHNULD a little more.
In any case Harrigan arrives on the scene, busts out a pistol and starts dropping gangsters. He consolidates with his two partners Danny Archuleta (Ruben Blades) and Leona Cantrell (Maria Conchita Alonso).

Danny seen here wearing a pair of glasses right out of the latest "Amish Chic" catalog.

Harrigan demands to know whats going on and the other two relay that they've basically been stuck in a shoot out with a cartel of gangsters, two cops that tried to sneak in have been dropped and are dying and special weapons have been delayed because one of their choppers has been shot down.
Harrigan comes out with  the brilliant plan of "drive a car real fast and shoot some fools". Which he does, but unbeknownst to him and indeed all those around him, they are being watched by a strange force.

*Predator Noise*

Harrigan manages to sneak behind the gangsters and defeat them in classic 80's cop fashion delivering a smooth one liner before hand.

The other gangsters retreat into the building to put more bullets in their guns and more...er "baking powder" in their noses.

Harrigan, desperate to live up to his "Renegade Cop" stereotype, moves into the building, against the Chief's wishes.
However, they won't have to worry about the gangsters as the Predator (played once again by Kevin Peter Hall) decides to drop in.

*Badun Tish*

The Predator slaughters the gangsters off screen as Harrigan and co. ascend the building. One of the gangsters busts out and runs up to roof, with Harrigan taking pursuit. The Gangster, having been traumatized, doesn't listen to Harrigan's threats to drop the guns, when a familiar face drops in.

"Do you want to be in Aliens vs. Predator, directed by Paul WS Anderson?"

"Didn't he make Mortal Kombat: Annihilation?'

"...Yes."

"No thanks."

The Gangster fires on the Predator, which causes Harrigan to shoot him off the building. Harrigan runs over to the edge to see the mess he's made, but he's clearly uneasy of the height. This a weird reoccurring thing in the movie with Harrigan being afraid of heights, and although it does come back later, it never really leads anywhere.
He turns and sees...The Predator, having made his first big appearance just 10 minutes into the movie!

"Ah, damn it! I wanted a close up, but I'm cloaked, no one can see me! You'll pay for this Harrigan, you'll...pay...dearly!"

The Predator decides to not roast Harrigan there for...some reason (I mean, Harrigan was even pointing his gun right at him, by Predator rules he's fair game!) and slips away.

Danny joins Harrigan on the roof and then does something that always bothers me every time I watch this film, he squats near the edge of a roof!

DUDE! REALLY!?

I mean, a sharp gust of wind and he's street meat! Whatever.

They head back down to the room where the gangsters were keeping all of their guns and "baking powder" to investigate.

They discover that all the gangsters were fully armed, yet they completely slaughtered anyway. They speculate about how this could have happened in a scene that basically goes like this:

HARRIGAN: Who the hell did this?
DANNY: I dunno

They spot a body up in the rafters, and they all become spooked. As they leave, the Predator takes the body.

Heading back outside, Harrigan is chewed out by DA CHIEF about his disobeying of rules and that he should have waited for the Feds. Harrigan takes it less than well.

"Don't test me Harrigan, the last time I had to deal with a rogue cop I almost Died Hard!"

The Feds arrive and quarter off the building. Harrigan tries to go after the Chief but is stopped by Danny.

From here we cut to an extremely busy Police Station, packed with over-worked cops, barely restrained criminals and worst of all...80's BILL PAXTON!

"I learned this trick from my time in the Marines!"

His character tries to talk to Harrigan, but he blows him off. Harrigan goes into the Captain's office. Wait, are Police Captains above Police Chief''s? On the embarrassingly long list of things I don't know diddly about, "Police Stuff" is right near the top.Whatever. Basically he informs Harrigan that he is to stay away from any drug busts as that is being handed off to the head of the feds, Peter Keyes, who is played by Gary Busey at his Gary Busey-est.

"Don't worry Captain, I will eat him soon enough"

Harrigan leaves in a way that feigns respect and then heads into his office. He and Danny talk about the bust and figure that it must be the result of "King Willie" a local drug-lord hiring some outside talent to decimate the competition. Danny informs Harrigan that Bill Paxton's character, Jerry Lambert, is their new recruit. They spot him schmoozing on Leona, which they both start laughing at. I will say that Danny Glover and Ruben Blades have very good chemistry and you really believe their friendship.
Lambert's attempts at flirtation end about as well as you would expect.

"Game over man, game over!"

Harrigan calls Lambert in and says that if he's going to survive on the mean streets of Los Angeles, then they all need to work together.
Hey, I just realized, both the Predator and Alien franchises have a character named "Lambert" in them. Huh. Well, I bet that will be the very last Alien reference in this movie!

From there we cut across town to later that night where a Colombian drug lord and his lady friend are performing a very enthusiastic game of Twister. They get interrupted by a group of Jamaican Gangsters (Ugh, typical right?), who string the drug lord up by his feet and threaten to use "Voodoo magic" on him.

"Ah even got all dis ketchup for da ceramonee mon!"

Hey, Hollywood writers, I know this movie was made in 1990 but I still see this going on, so, this...

IS!

NOT!

VOODOO!

If anything it's theme park of Voudo! Voodoo, is a religion much like Catholicism actually, with one God but many Saints (or in this case, Loa). What you're depicting here is Voudo or Hoo-doo, the spiritual underpinnings of Voodoo, but not actually the practices of Voodoo itself, so please get it right!

Anyway, the Jamaicans murder the dude and then I'm going to give you one guess as to who shows  up.

Yes, it's the Kool-Aid Man, he shows up and gives all the Jamaicans drinks COME ON!

No, the Predator shows up and starts wrecking up the place. Although I'm not really all that worried about them because at least one of these guys is clearly a robot because he bleeds sparks.

Oh no mon, he hit ma Jamaican slang gen-ah-ratah mon!

In any case, the Predator murders the dreadlocks off of these fools and then goes about his business.

Cut to a while later and the police have arrived and cordoned off the area. Harrigan and Danny get out and are immediately beset by Pope, but Lambert is able to scare him off. They want to go in, but the police radio says that need to wait for the Feds. Harrigan decides, "Screw That!" and heads inside with his team anyway.

There's something very familiar about all this.

They bust into the room with all the murder and discover all of the Jamaicans, hung from the roof by their feet and with their skin flayed off.

She's a bitch.

They inspect the room, Danny notices a strange looking dart stuck in an air vent above them and they find the Colombian Drug Lord's still living lady friend, who for the longest time I could SWEAR was played by Rachel Weisz, but isn't. Eventually they come to the conclusion that the guy responsible for this massacre and the one back at the armory in the beginning is a new face in town.

Just then Keyes and his men burst in and demand that Harrigan and company leave the scene immediately. He pulls Harrigan aside and basically threatens him to stay out of his business. Pope is spotted spying on them and is so "escorted" out of the building. Keyes walks off but Harrigan isn't done with him and goes to stop him when he's stopped by JAYNE!

The Hero of Canton, the man they call JAYNE!

Heading back outside, Harrigan gets Lambert to follow Keyes and find out where they take the girl, and asks Danny to wait around before they can go investigate the room.
Before we continue I'd just like to say, I totally ship Harrigan and Danny. They're Finn and Poe levels of cute bro-mance,

Now KISS!

Harrigan and Lambert meet up, and Lambert informs his boss that the Feds took the girl into a Silver Chopper, and that's where he lost them. Harrigan sets Lambert on tracking the man with a million teeth and then Lambert goes on to schmooze more women. Which, actually, does end better than last time, but then again, a situation wherein you're trapped in a sinking cargo crate that's slowly filling with water would probably end better than Lambert's last schmoozing attempt.

Cutting back to Danny, and he's decided to jump the gun and go investigate the room himself. This leads to a slow, very well done scene of Danny investigating the room, climbing up the rafters and retrieving the alien spearhead. Unfortunately, for Danny (and my fan-fiction) it ends about as well as you'd expect. 

"Would you like to star in Predators?"

"From the guy who directed Spy Kids?"

"WE DON'T TALK ABOUT SPY KIDS!"

In the next scene, Harrigan gets chewed out about Danny's death, but narrowly avoids losing his job. The Captain goes after Danny and demands he stay out of the case, but Harrigan decides that he's pulled a Jaws: The Revenge and decides it's personal!

He spots Keyes and chases him down and pushes him against a wall. What ensues is a glorious ham-to-ham combat between Danny Glover and Gary Busey that is so enormously hamtastic that it almost threatens dethrone Captain Wolverine Blackbeard as King of Ham Mountain.

Almost.

Basically they tell each other to stay out of each other's way.
Okay to save on time I'm speed through these next two scenes so we can get to the real juicy stuff.
Harrigan is reminded by Leona and Lambert that he's not an island and needs their help. Lambert was able to track Keyes down to the Slaughterhouse district where he then lost them and Harrigan orders Leona to set up a meeting with King Willie.

After a brief interlude where Keyes is seen field testing...something, we cut over to a forensics lab where an old scientist lady studies the alien spear tip and finds it to be...well...alien. And this is really my only big problem with the film. We spend half the movie with Harrigan and company who's doing all the murdering around town, but we the audience already know who it is, it's the Predator. This isn't too bad, as the character are likable to follow around, but this does stink a bit of the movie Devil, a movie that thinks its audience is too stupid to figure out that the bad guy is the Devil.

There's a reason why they didn't call Jaws "It's a Wonderful Shark!"

In any case, Harrigan is picked up King Willie's goons and taken to see...well, King Willie. But unbeknownst to them, they are being watched by a hunter from the shadows.

"Oh man, King Willie? I love that guy! I'm going to go get his autograph!"

The goons drop Harrigan off and King Willie emerges from the shadows, in a Voodoo get up about as authentic as a Pirates of the Caribbean extra.

He DOES have a pretty swank ass cane though.

Okay despite my ribbing of his costume, the guy playing King Willie (Calvin Lockhart) is clearly having a ball, and is absolute joy to watch despite his limited screen time. Y'know, with all of those unnecessary Cinematic Universe springing in the wake of Marvel's success, why not make a spin-off of King Willie? "King Willie's Super Happy Fun Time of Death", I'd watch the hell out of that!

"Bring da kiddies, mon."

They exchange in a brief conversation where Harrigan learns basically nothing. He leaves, but just after the Predator drops down into the alley.

"Oh my infernal God of the Hunt Vlurhg, it's King Willie! Can I have your autograph?"

"Thanks!"

After the Predator cleans off the "autograph" he collected from King Willie and puts on display next to Elvis' (I assume), we cut to Harrigan on the phone with his team, who inform him that Keyes has been spending a lot of time around the slaughterhouses.

Cut to the next day and Harrigan is visiting Danny's grave. The Predator watches on when a small child runs holding a plastic gun. The Predator scans and the boy and realizes he is no threat. That's something I've always liked about the Predator films, they have a code of honor, which actually makes them kind of likable (you know aside from all the murdering they do), instead of just being a big stupid alien for our main protagonist to throw around.
The boy offers the Predator candy, but because The Predator is on a meat only diet he refuses. The boy runs off and tells his parents that he saw a "Ghost".

"This almost as bad as that time your sister said she saw Superman!"

Harrigan pays his respects and begins to head back to his car, when he spots a sight that instills him with great fear!

AHHH! A NECKLACE! EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

No actually, that's Danny's necklace, which the Predator is trying to screw with Harrigan. And the  Harrigan spins around in very which direction with the music stinging every time he does, which should be dramatic, but instead comes off as a more intense repeating version of this.

Just play this five times, and you've basically recapped this scene.

In any case, Harrigan snatches the necklace and undoubtedly needs to go find himself a new of grandpa pants.

Smash cut to a (clearly San Franciscan) subway train, and Lambert and Leona are dealing with some hooligans hooliganising some innocent commuters. The hooligans bully an Aperture Scientist looking dude, which is clearly their last mistake.

"I'm about to show you why they say ya shouldn't "look at the operating end of the device"!"

The nerd pulls a gun on the hooligans, which in turn makes them pull theirs gun on him and, because this is Los Angeles, everyone pulls a gun on them, including Lambert and Leona.

Damn, even Granny's packing!

Now what happens next is fairly obvious, everyone realises that guns are dangerous and extremely powerful weapons that should not be used. So they all put them away calmly, and and the rest of the film is a discussion on the use of gun violence.

No wait, sorry...

*Reads script*

Sorry, read the wrong script! What I meant to say was, DEATH! DEATH AND PAIN! THE PREDATOR COMES TO REAP THEIR SINS!

Yes, somehow, the Predator knows that guns are on this specific train and busts through the roof, causing all the lights to flicker in a way that is guaranteed to cause seizures.

"Yes...you have learned well my crab-faced apprentice!"

So the Predator does what the Predator does best, shoving one guy through a window...

...and makes Granny talk to the hand.

Now the rest of the scene is really incomprehensible to tell in pictures so you're just going to have to bear with me. Lambert draws the Predator's attention whilst Leona moves everyone else down to the back of the train cart. The Predator slowly advances on Lambert but he keeps firing in its direction and missing, despite the fact that Predator is LITERALLY RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM! Seriously. And later we discover that the Predator definitely isn't bullet proof, so, the only conclusion one can draw is that Lambert is a terrible shot.

Certainly would explain a lot.

In any case, The Predator joins the Terminator and the Aliens from Aliens in receiving the prestigious "killed a character played by Bill Paxton" award, and Leona stops the train and all the passengers flee. She doubles back around to investigate but gets jumped by the Predator. However, because she's pregnant (hi plot point that was ever alluded and is never brought up again!) the Predator lets her live.

Cut to later and Harrigan has arrived on the scene of the crime. He tries to talk to Leona, but she's carted away into an ambulence and subsequently, out of this movie. Seriously, we never see her again. He runs down past the train and spots The Predator ripping out Lambert's spine (So the Terminator punched his heart out, the Alien snuggled him to death off-screen and The Predator goes all metal and rips out his freaking spine! Yeah, I'd say the Predator earned that trophy). They escape up to the street and the Predator climbs up. Harrigan heads to his car to pursue, but Pope tries to stop him. I think I'll let Shepard reenact how Harrigan deals with the situation. 

And so begins the 45 minute long climax. No, seriously, the last third of this movie is the climax involving Harrigan taking on the Predator.

Harrigan chases the bastard down with his car before he gets blindsided by Keyes' goons and taken to their headquarters. Meanwhile the Predator is very stealth-fully roaring in triumph on the top of a building.

"OH GOD WHY DID I BRING A BIG METAL STICK UP HERE, THAT WAS REALLY DUMB AAAAAAHHHH!"

Inside Keyes' HQ, he divulges to Harrigan their plan to take down The Predator in the slaughterhouse using nitroglycerin cannons, heat deflecting suits (the Predator can only see in infra-red) and ultra-violet lights.

Keyes and his goons head in to the slaughterhouse with the Predator to flush him out, but he's not taking the bait.

"Hmm, my Predator sense is tingling!"

It's here that the Predator introduces a new staple to the Predator mythos, alternate vision modes! You know, I just realized, Predators would be much better hunters if they could just see in normal vision.

Anyway.
He cycles through the visions until he finds one that allows him to see the Ultra violet lights.

Also, this scene is a shameless rip off of Aliens.

In any case, The Predator makes short work of Keyes and his goons (y'know, I find myself having to find a lot of different way to say "the Predator jumps down and murders some fools in this review). Harrigan, seeing that everything has gone to poop, arms up and bursts into the slaughterhouse ready to take on the Predator.

The Predator tries to cloak, but finds that the water from the sprinklers is shorting his technology. This always bugged me, how come futuristic advanced alien technology is shorted out by water? Hell we have PHONES that can survive more than a little wetness!

"Aw man, I KNEW I shouldn't have upgraded to Windows 10!"

The two engage in some shooting and brawling, with both taking hits, but the Predator is seemingly felled when Harrigan slugs him full of shotgun shells.

He approaches the Predator's "corpse" and removes his mask, takes the Predator's body to a local lab, gets untold riches and retires to the Bahamas.
At least that's what would have happened if the Predator didn't immediately wake up.

"Try to steal my close-up from me, you son of a bitch!"

Actually, this does lead to my only other problem with this movie, the Predator doesn't look as good. Yes, I know that's incredibly petty, but just look at the beast from the original Predator.

Even HE knows how awesome he looks.

Stan Winston's effects works on the original Predator are so good and seamless, that to this day I am convinced that they got an actual alien to play the part. The Predator from Predator 2 on the other hand, looks like a guy in a big rubber suit. It's not so bad when he has his mask on, but when you see the Predator's face it becomes fairly obvious.

Still, it's leagues above the Predators from Aliens vs. Predator.

*Predator fart*

The Predator shoves Harrigan aside and breaks his gun. But before the Predator can make Mike sandwiches, Keyes jumps back in and saves the day...before he gets undercut by the Predator's flying disc of doom.

Wait...how come his only legs fall down, and not the upper half of his body.

The reason is Gary Busey is a wizard.

I mean...obviously!

Alright so skip through some climax, *deep breath*, the Predator and Harrigan fight on a roof top when they fall down onto a ledge. The Predator, with one hand in the spinning disc of doom embedded in the wall and one hand hanging onto Harrigan, activates the self destruct device. Harrigan is able to cut through it just at the last second before it goes off, causing the Predator to fall down the building, grab onto a pipe and smash into a bathroom. It tries to repair itself using...something, while Harrigan slowly climbs down a pipe into the building. From there he chases it through the building and down an elevator shaft before landing in the Predator's ship.

*deep exhale*

Harrigan slowly makes his way through the Predator's ship. The ship is fairly interestingly designed, but unfortunately, does dean this Monty Python reference apt. 

He continues to make his way through a ship that looks the smoke machine maintenance guy had an off day, when he runs into one of the greatest Easter  Eggs of all time.

Oh my god...it's the skull of a T-Rex from Jurassic Park!

No, of course among those trophies you can make out the skull one of the Aliens from Aliens. Which means that these two franchises can now officially crossover, a proposition that will only lead to good things. 

Yes I will review them too, someday.A day I fear like a worm fears an eagle.

The Predator jumps back out and the two engage in a bit of inter-planetary swashbuckling until Harrigan is finally able to decisively defeat the Predator.

So...now does he retire to the Bahamas?
NO! At least half a dozen more Predators (which I imagine is the reason behind the lesser effects) emerge from the shadows and train their guns on him.

"Man...I am too OLD for this sh*t!"

Ah, come on, you knew I couldn't finish this review without making at least one Lethal Weapon joke.
Fortunately for Harrigan, these particular Rastafarian space gun-nuts are not interested in killing him, and at least one Predator elder  hands him an antique gun as a sign of respect. The alien ship takes off but Harrigan escapes just in time. He emerges back out into the outside where Keyes' right hand man (you know, the one played by JAYNE!) demands to know what happened and is pissed that they missed their chance. 

"Dammit, now I'm going to have to go into space MYSELF!"

Harrigan gives one meaningful look to the sky and remarks that they'll get another chance.

And they would, 20 years later and starring that guy from The Pianist for...some ungodly reason.

DA END!

-

Is Predator 2 a perfect movie? No, not by any stretch of the imagination. It plot holes out the wazoo, it's awkwardly structured with a climax that takes up half the film's running time and the effects just straight up aren't as good as the first movie. However, do any of these faults stop the film from being a kick-ass, cheesy 80's action romp? Absolutely not! The actors give entertaining performances, the action is a lot of fun and the Predator is always fun to watch when he's doing what he does best. So no, Predator 2 is not a perfect film, but it does not deserve the hatred it gets and receives a very solid Copper Award for Certified Cinematic Goodness

Next Post: 23/06/2016

Oh no...
Oh GOD NO!